0

Just when I thought it was safe

While waiting for my bus there was a protest going on. There was about ten people, that’s a pretty good turn out as far as Irish protests go. They were outside a solicitors office saying that they were victims of the Irish legal system. My bus arrived and I went to sit upstairs. As I went to take my seat there was two young lads with their mouths pressed up to the little windows.

Lad 1: “Ya bunch of cunts!”

Lad 1 sits back down and turns to his mate–“What’s the Irish legal system anyway?”

Lad 2: “I haven’t a clue. I think it’s something to do with bills and stuff.”

Lad 1: “Sounds shite!”

Just went I thought it was safe to use public transport again. # BaldManProblems

2

What have you become?

Andy is playing Battlefield 4 while I comb my beard, I’m just out of the shower and I thoroughly enjoy running a comb through my facial hair when it’s all soft and scented.

Me: “So does Battlefield take wind speed and all that lark in to account when you’re fighting?”

Andy: “Yes, there’s a lot more to it than pointing the gun and just firing.”

Me: “So Call of Duty is more shooty-shooty-bang-bang and Battlefield is more tactical?”

Andy: “That’s right. It always feels like an accomplishment when you kill someone in this one.”

Me: “Jaysus!”

I’m suddenly worried about who I’m living with now. I want to have the Fantasy/Viking Andy back who took great joy in conversing about dragons, fairies, and Celine Dion. My heart won’t go on if he keeps up his blood lusting ways. # BaldManProblems

0

The Dublin Chainsaw Massacre

He was a short lump of man dressed all in beige. Beads of sweat lined his forehead.

Sweaty Steve: “Excuse me, young man. Would you have this book in audio?”

He places the book he’s looking for on the counter.

Me: “I’ll check it out for you.”

I go get the audio book for him.

Me: “Here you go.”

Sweaty Steve: “That’s great, I’ll take both.” He looks at my tattoo’s–“Jaysus, would you have a motorcycle to go with those tattoos of yours?”

Me: “Ha,ha! No, I prefer public transport.”

Sweaty Steve: “Would you ever think of getting one?”

Me: “No, I consider them deathtraps.”

Sweaty Steve: “WHAT!? So is a chainsaw if you put it on your head.”

Me: “Right.”

I never thought of it like that. Life seems to make more sense to me now. That guy was a stubby genius, so glad to have met him. # BaldManProblems

0

But I hate courtesy calls

I just received a phone call from the bank telling me that my lodgement was successful. This is a first for me since I’ve never received a phone call about a lodgement making its way into an account. I kind of groaned a little and thought: Who would be calling me at this ungodly hour of 09:50; I’m still in my underwear and in no position to take calls. Anyway, I answered the phone.

Lucy: “Hello, this is Lucy from Red Hand Bank.”

Me: “Ah, hello there.”

Lucy: “This is just a courtesy call to let you know that your lodgement was successful.”

Me: “Oh, that’s nice. Thanks.”

Lucy: “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

This question caused me to pause for a moment because I don’t even bank with this crowd and thought it odd that they would ask me, but I guess it’s just standard procedure since calls are recorded and they have to tick the boxes of questions they ask.

Me: “Ah, no. I just want you to promise me you’ll have a great day.”

Lucy: “Ha,ha!”

Me: “Ha,ha! In all seriousness, I don’t suppose you’d like to grab a coffee sometime?”

Lucy: “That wouldn’t be appropriate. You have a great weekend.”

The call ends quite quickly after that

That’s a shame, she sounded lovely, and her laugh loosened the elastic around the waist of my boxers. I wonder why she declined a chance for a coffee? # BaldManProblems

0

He was a bit shocked

I had my back to the lift that I normally face when I sit at the desk. As I stare out at the customers that are scattered across the floor I hear swearing from behind me–“FUCK SAKE!”

I turn around to see a man glaring at the lift.

Me: “Ha, ha! Got a shock? Happens to me the odd time.”

Sparks: “That hurt! There should be a sign up warning people.”

Me: “It’s just a bit of static that’s built up from you walking on the lino.”

Sparks: “Fucking stupid…”

He gets into the lift still swearing and nodding his head.

He really didn’t take that well at all. Even after I tried to share a laugh with him. Shocking stuff. # BaldManProblems

0

That doesn’t happen that often

Customers were trickling down to depths of the store and slowly making their way over to me at the desk. There wasn’t many foul tempered ones, which suited me just fine.
A tall, tanned, attractive, and exotic looking man soon made his way over to me.

Nemo: “Hello there. Could I check to see if you have a book and if not, could I order it?”

Me: “Sure! What are you looking for?”

Nemo: “The Biology of Belief.”

Me: “Ah, I’ll have to order that for you. I had a woman in earlier looking for it as well.”

Nemo: “I’ll order it in so.”

Me: “Grand job!”

I go about taking down the details of the book on the order form

Me: “OK, buddy, if you pop down your name and address here please.”

As he is filling out his name I take a look at it.

Me: “Jaysus, that’s a mouth full!”

Nemo: “Oh, I know! My parents had a sense of humour. I just go by the name Nemo. That’s the joy about being an adult: you can choose your own name to go by.”

Me: “Yeah, I like to go by the name Bald Man.”

Nemo: “Or Sexy Man.”

He is looking at me with a cheeking grin. I see where this is going.

Me: “Ha, ha! Not really that now.”

I take the payment for his order and he continues to smile at me.

Me: “Right, so we’ll give you a shout as soon as your book arrives.”

Nemo: “Thank you. Goodbye Sexy Man.”

Me: “You take care.”

He was a lovely fellow and I must say: It’s nice to know that if I ever decide to cross over to his side of the footpath I’ll be able to meet someone fairly quickly.
I tend to get more offers and flirtatious interactions with the men-folk than I do with the lady-folk. It doesn’t really bother me. It’s reassuring to know that I’m a beacon of allure in someone’s eyes. I remember one time I agreed to go to the cinema with a man I met in a gay bar thinking he just wanted a friend and not a date. Oh, how wrong I was. I informed him through text that I didn’t drink from the same fountain as him but would still like to go to the cinema. He didn’t respond for a while and then stopped talking to me. That made me a bit sad since he was all kinds of nice. # BaldManProblems