What sort of man are you!?

As I stood behind the till an elderly couple approached me. Both seemed to be in good health and they were sure to have a few more seasons left in them.

Me: “Ah, hello there.”

I start to scan through their items.
The woman, who was wearing the tricolour hat, starts to chat to me.

Maura: “Have you been watching the parade? Any plans for later?”

Me: “Well I’ve been at the till since the shop opened, so no.”

Maura: “Sure you could watch the highlights later on the telly.”

Me: “Probably not. I’m not a fan of St. Patrick’s Day.”

Her face contorts and she glares at me.

Maura: “And you call yourself Irish what’s wrong with you?”

Me: “I call myself many things, Irish included. I just don’t believe in joining the masses in parading about in the stereotypical fashion that the
world has of us.”

The husband nods in agreement.

Maura: “Bah! What do you know!? Come on Jim.”

Jim: “Goodbye, Son.”

Me: “Take care.”

Well she certainly turned sour quite quickly. Was it something I said? # BaldManProblems

I won’t be chasing that dragon

I was waiting at the bus stop to visit the Granddad when a man approached me. He had sunken cheeks, protruding eyes, and a look that said: mess with me and I’ll find out where you live and take a dump in your potted plants and if you don’t have any, I’ll buy you one and take a dump in it.

He hobbles towards me.

Phil: “Wanna buy a bit of brown?”

Me: “Bit of brown?”

Phil: “Heroin, bud!”

Me: “Oh, that! No, no. I get my high from our Lord and saviour, Jesus Christ.”

Phil:”Feckin’ gee bag!”

Off hobbles Phil to someone further down. I’m pretty certain he had luck since the two wandered off together.

I wonder why he insulted me? Guess he didn’t like my response. # BaldManProblems

I was nearly out of my skin

As I was walking down the hallway to leave the apartment complex I failed to notice a toddler hiding in one of the doorways.

I noticed her too late as I was passing by.

Me: “AHHH!”

Toddler: “Eeeek!”

I move swiftly on with my heart in my throat.

There’s nothing worse than getting a fright off a toddler and scaring them in the process. # BaldManProblems

You’ve certainly thought this out

It was a slow burner in work this evening. Time was slowly ticking by. One of my work colleagues came up and started chatting to me.
For some strange reason the topic turned death and how we would like to go.

Me: “I’d like it to be quick and painless.”

Jill: “I have three ways that I would like to go.”

Me: “THREE!?”

Jill: “Yes. I would like to either die in my sleep or have a massive heart attack. Oh and number three! I would like to get a smack of an articulated truck as I crossed the street.”

Me: “An articulated truck? Bit much don’t you think?”

Jill: “Ah, no.”

At least she seems enthusiastic about moving on. If only I had her enthusiasm. # BaldManProblems

Think back on this day and it won’t seem so bad

I put my earphones in and turn on ‘Bubblegum Bitch’ by Marina and the Diamonds. I head to my apartment door, open it, step out, and lock it behind me.

As I leave the complex I notice I don’t have my keys. I search my jacket pockets and trouser pockets. Nothing. I retrace my steps and don’t see them on the ground. Feck it!

I walk back to the door and find it’s locked. How am I going to get in? I wander around to other side of the building to see if that’s open. Locked.

I wander back around and see the caretaker is inside at my main exit. I jog up and tap on the glass. He looks at me and I at him. We hold gazes for a split second then he opens the door.

Me: “Ah, hello. I think I may have dropped my keys on my way down. Can I pop back up and have a look?”

He looks at me as he takes it all in.

Tom: “I can’t let you into the apartment since I don’t have a key to it.”

Me: “I know that. I live here. What I meant is, I think I may have left my keys in my apartment door being the big fool that I am.”

Tom: “Oh! Haha! Sure, go ahead. I thought you wanted me to let you into your apartment.”

Me: “Haha! No, no.”

I run up the stairs and sure enough there my keys were in the keyhole. I grab them and leave.

What a great start to the day. I never thought I’d lock myself out of my apartment, and, now that I think about it, lock Andy and Sarah in at the same time. In fairness, I’m still recovering from the flu so my brain is a bit more addled that usual.

If you’re ever feeling stupid think back on what just happened here and what you’ve done won’t seem so bad.

I really am a big fool. # BaldManProblems

No laugh? But I made a funny.

Everyone has those moments where they say something that they find hilarious to someone but it’s lost on the other person. I had one of those moments today.

A French woman came up to the service desk looking to do an exchange.
She placed the book down on the counter that she wanted to change.

Fiona: “Hi, I would like to return this book. It turns out I already read in French.”

Me: “Oh, this book is much better in English. HAHA!”

Fiona: “What?…Oh, yes…Can I pick something else?”

Me: “Yeah, sure thing. Go have a wander and come back when you’ve found something else.”

I laughed to myself quite a bit about my joke. It’s a real shame she didn’t get it, though. # BaldManProblems