What are you waxing around for?

I was sitting as still as a pervert in the bushes while I did a stint on the information desk today. A middle aged woman passed by in lime green trousers and did a double take of me sitting there. This caught my attention so I looked at her and smiled.
She smiled back at me and decided to come over to me.

Perplexed Patricia: “Haha! Oh, my god! I thought you were made of wax, like a wax dummy.”

After this remark she reached for my wrist and gave it a gentle stroke.

Me: “Ah, yeah. I was sitting quite still.”

Perplexed Patricia: “I was in the wax museum recently and was so uneasy being around the dummies; I kept waiting for one of them to jump out at me.”

Me: “Haha! It could happen. I know they do that sometimes in the wax museum in London.”

Perplexed Patricia: “It’s my biggest fear! I keep thinking anyone who sits still will turn and jump at me.”

Me: “You should keep an eye on their chest moving up and down, you know, breathing and all that.”

Perplexed Patricia: “God! I never thought of that! That’s a great idea! Thanks!”

Before she departs she stokes my wrist one last time and walks off with a smile on her face.

I’ve been called many a name but never have I been thought to be a wax dummy. Maybe the fluorescents in work give me a waxy look? # BaldManProblems

Eye don’t think he appreciated my humour

My eyes were giving me some trouble so I decided to check out a local opticians because I didn’t feel like traversing all the way into the City Centre.
The optometrist who looked after me was a delight, even if he did ramble on about eye health and eye worms a bit longer than was necessary.
As the test was coming to an end he began to talk about how modern technology was affecting the populations vision; he also mentioned the Arctic for some reason.

Dr Myopia: “You see people are spending more time looking at the small screen on their phones which results in their eyes becoming strained. In Arctic countries those who are exposed to the glare of the sun off the snow need to avoid the light and bright colours for a few days until things settle down.”

I started laughing after he mentioned the Arctic. Dr Myopia seemed taken aback.

Me: “Sorry! I just got an image of someone going postal after looking at a series of bright colours after coming back in from a stint on the snowfields”

Dr Myopia: “Yes… well I don’t think that could happen.”

Me: “Well, there’s a first time for everything.”

I thought he would share a giggle with me but he just ceased with the small talk and sped things along with the examination. One of these days I’ll find a medical professional who will appreciate my sense of humour. Until that day comes I must play the waiting game. # BaldManProblems

Going up?

I had come into work about forty minutes before my shift started and, feeling lazy, decided to take the lift instead of the stairs to the canteen. The lift arrived and the doors opened. In the lift was a middle-aged woman who shuffled on her feet a bit before speaking.

Winona: “Come in, come in! Plenty of room in here.”

I just smile and step in and push the button for the floor I want to go to.

Winona: “Do you work here?”

Me: “I do, yeah.”

The lift stops on another floor and when the door opens we see a lady with a pram.

Winona: “Come on in.”

The woman politely refuses.

Winona: “She must not like me. Probably thinks I’m an odd one. I suppose you think that as well?”

Me: “Ah, no. I’ve seen all sorts in here so I’m used to this kind of carry on.”

She exhales loudly as the lift stops on her floor and shuffles out talking to herself–“Oh, he’s seen all sorts in here. I’m an all sort am I?”

Just when I thought I’ve seen it all Winona comes along and proves me wrong. # BaldManProblems

Hugh Hefner would be ashamed of you.

I was on and off the information desk for most of the day today. At one point during the day I was sitting there when a middle aged man came up to me.

Conservative Conor: “Hello there.”

Me: “Howiya!?”

Conservative Conor: “I’m very well, thank you. I have a complaint I would like to make. Firstly I would like to commend you on what a wonderful store you have and that I’ve been coming here for a number of years. ”

Me: “Good stuff. What seems to be the problem?”

Conservative Conor: “Well I noticed that you sell Playboy.”

Me: “Yup, we stock a bit of everything here.”

Conservative Conor: “Because of you stocking such a magazine I’m afraid I will be taking my custom elsewhere.”

Me: “Right! Well to be honest I’m not the person you should be talking to about this. I can get you a manager if you like?”

Conservative Conor: “No, that won’t be necessary. Please just pass it on. Goodbye now.”

Off he goes leaving me baffled.

Of all things to complain about this one takes the biscuit. Playboy is quite tame in comparison to the other magazines. I only know this because I’ve seen scantly dressed individuals in Penthouse and Attitude that puts Playboy to shame. I only look at those titles because Penthouse has better articles and Attitude has a good fashion column.

I do wish I could have said more to this fellow. # BaldManProblems

Ya what?

Things not to say to your manager.

Manager: “So I’ll be all set to have that coffee chat with you on Saturday.”

Me: “Oh great! Our coffee date. Can we hold hands?”

Manager: “No…”

He seemed so enthusiastic at the beginning and then his mood changed quite abruptly. I wonder what caused that? # BaldManProblems.

She took that well

I was walking swiftly to the bathroom because I needed to lose some weight. As I approached the stairs to head to the locker room two old women stopped me for a moment.

Nora: “Excuse me? I’m looking for the Buy and Sell.”

Me: “That’s no longer in print. You can only see it online now.”

Nora: “Awh! I’m sick of all this online shite! What about the old people who don’t use it?”

Me: “Well, I don’t think they’re really concerned about you. They see a future and you’re not in it.”

Betty: “He’s right you know…”

Nora: “Bah! We old people have all the money, not you young folk.”

Nora and Betty take their leave.

I’m glad my response was taken so well otherwise that could have ended badly. # BaldManProblems

There’s a first time for everything

I served a family of four when I had a brief stint on the till earlier on today. They seemed like a decent bunch. The child-folk were crying out for some chocolate and eventually the mother-woman caved and got them some but not before telling them they had to wait until after dinner to eat it. The mother-woman gave the chocolate to the father-man and he placed it on the counter with the rest of the items they wanted.

As I started to scan through the items the young girl of the child-folk, who was no more than six, started to mess with the card reader.

Father-man to young girl–“You can’t be messing with that!”

Me: “Yeah, you’ll get a shock off it if the card isn’t in it and your hair will fall out. That’s what happened to me.”

The young girl whips her hand away and looks at me wide eyed.

Father-man: “Haha!”

I finished the sale and bagged up their items.

As they were leaving the young girl looks up at me before she follows her family-folk–“I won’t loose my hair, I’ll just cut it off…then I’ll come back and cut your glasses.” She skips away after that leaving me dumbfounded.

I’ve never been threatened by a child-folk before. Guess there’s a first time for everything. # BaldManProblems