The Second Guess

I met up with the Mother earlier for a coffee and a wander around town to play a bit of catch up. It was a nice little get together. Our walk-abouts took us into Pennys because the Mother needed to pick up some sunkissed tights for the Sister. She picked up the sunkissed tights and we began to leave.

As we were leaving I noticed there was a little girl, who was no more than five, belting out the alphabet. I’ll have to admit, it was quite cute. Yes, quite cute until she got to end. I’m sure you’re all aware how the alphabet goes, I thought I did until I heard this girls rendition.

Little Girl: “a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,p,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,A,z.”

y,A,z, I thought to myself. That can’t be right.

The little girl repeated herself and again she ended it with an ‘A’ before the ‘Z’.

I ended up having to do a few laps of the alphabet around my head and during the few laps I kept tripping over myself as I reached the end.
Was the ‘A’ always there? I had to keep asking myself this for a few minutes afterwards.

I never usually second guess myself but after that rendition of the alphabet I’m finding it hard not to. # BaldManProblems

It’s the look. The look of love.

The sunlight was shining in through the window as I gathered up my stuff and placed them into my man-bag.

Andy comes into the sitting room after grooming himself and starts to put on his boots

Andy: “So what are you up to today?”

Me: “I’ve to head to college to talk about my feelings.”

Andy: “Off to the counsellor?”

Me: “Yeah…feelings are gay.”

Andy looks out the window–“Oh, look! The builders have a crane now.”

Me: “Feckin’ perverts going to great lengths to look at me.”

Andy: “Well if you didn’t parade around in the nip so often.”

Me: “That’s the only reason they’re there…to look at me parade around in the nip.”

Can’t one around parade around his abode with his flesh on display without fear of prying eyes upon mechanical giants gazing in? # BaldManProblems

He seemed to have an invisible touch

I was putting out stock earlier and wasn’t sure where it went so I had to use the computer to find out. As I was looking up the books a man came from the side and decided to start talking to me.

Monty: “Do you like Darren Shan?”

Me: “Yeah, he’s a good writer.”

Monty: “Do you know him?”

Me: “Not personally, I just know of his work.”

Monty: “Do you like the Demonata series?”

Me: “I wasn’t too pushed on that. I much preferred the saga he wrote.”

He doesn’t respond to me, he just continues to stand next to me as I look up the books. I start to think he’s moved on but I’m wrong. Instead before he departs he reaches out and gently caresses my shoulder with his finger tips and says goodbye.

I don’t turn around, I continue to stare at the computer screen . It takes me a moment to realise what has just happened…I’ve never felt so violated…# BaldManProblems

He ain’t heavy, He’s my brother.

The shop was coming to a close and there was a fair few stragglers still hanging around. One of the stragglers shimmies up to the till that I’m on.

Ted: “Hello there, Tom. I suppose you’re wondering how I know your name?”

Me: “Eh, not really since Tom isn’t my name.”

Ted: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Pretty sure of my own name, yeah.”

Ted: “I could have sworn it was.”

Me: “Nope.”

The transaction comes to a close and Ted starts to walk away but not before he winks a goes–“See you later brother!”

Bank Holiday weekends do strange things to customers…Where did he get the name Tom from? # BaldManProblems

Hello. Is it me you’re looking for?

Encased in a blue raincoat , she hobbled over to me as I sat at the desk twiddling my thumbs.

Maura: “Do you have a mobile?”

Me: “Eh, I don’t, no.”

Maura: “I need to ring my phone.”

Me: “Oh! Have you lost it?”

She takes her phone out–“No, I just want to see if it works.”

Me: “Right…well I can ring it off this phone here if you like?”

Maura: “OK.”

She gives me her number and I ring it off the work phone. Her phone starts to ring and she hangs up.

Maura: “Can you ring it again and speak to me. I want to see if it works.”

Me: “O…kay. You’ll have to walk away a bit so you don’t hear me.”

She hobbles halfway across the floor. I ring her phone and she answers it.

Me: “Hello…yeah….your phone seems to be working.”

Maura hangs up, wanders off, and doesn’t return.

That has been one of the strangest customers I’ve had to deal with in a long time. # BaldManProblems

Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

I had a free run of the floor for most of the day and was kept busy putting out stock. This was lovely for me. As my shift was coming to a close I found myself over in the Irish Fiction section. Two youths had wandered over and were loudly voicing their disdain for books as they looked for one.

Garfield: “Ugh! Books! Waste of time! Your one at the desk said it wasn’t non-fiction.”

Odi: “Yeah, I heard her.”

Garfield: “What’s the difference between non-fiction and fiction?”

Odi: “Non-fiction means it’s real and fiction means it’s not real.”

Odi continues his search.

Garfield: “I thought fiction was real.”

I felt like I had to chime in

Me: “Fiction is as real as your imagination allows it to be.”

Garfield turns to me–“Whatever man!”

Odi exhales deeply out of his mouth- “Ah, to hell with this! Let’s just go.”

It’s sad to see some young folk who are unaware of what fiction is and have no appreciation for books…A part of me died today. # BaldManProblems

You make no sense

The customers were slowly ebbing out of the shop. Those that remained were wandering aimlessly and had a look that said: please don’t close the shop, I’ve nowhere else to go.
As I was gazing at these lost souls an elderly gentleman in a paddy cap came up to me at the till.

Patrick: “I’d like to buy these please.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

I start scanning through his items.

Patrick: “What time do you close at?”

Me:”Nine tonight.”

Patrick: “What time is it now?”

Me: “It’s twenty past eight.”

He tilts his head to the left and looks up at me-“ten past fruity?”

Me: “Ha! No, twenty past eight.”

Patrick: “Oh! Sometimes I forget the days of the week. ”

Me: “Well it’s Thursday today.”

Patrick: “I know what day it is!”

He takes his leave but not before he shoots me daggers.

Jaysus, he changed his upbeat tune quite quickly at the mention of Thursday. Just when I thought I had the elderly figured out. # BaldManProblems