Hello. Is it me you’re looking for?

Encased in a blue raincoat , she hobbled over to me as I sat at the desk twiddling my thumbs.

Maura: “Do you have a mobile?”

Me: “Eh, I don’t, no.”

Maura: “I need to ring my phone.”

Me: “Oh! Have you lost it?”

She takes her phone out–“No, I just want to see if it works.”

Me: “Right…well I can ring it off this phone here if you like?”

Maura: “OK.”

She gives me her number and I ring it off the work phone. Her phone starts to ring and she hangs up.

Maura: “Can you ring it again and speak to me. I want to see if it works.”

Me: “O…kay. You’ll have to walk away a bit so you don’t hear me.”

She hobbles halfway across the floor. I ring her phone and she answers it.

Me: “Hello…yeah….your phone seems to be working.”

Maura hangs up, wanders off, and doesn’t return.

That has been one of the strangest customers I’ve had to deal with in a long time. # BaldManProblems

Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

I had a free run of the floor for most of the day and was kept busy putting out stock. This was lovely for me. As my shift was coming to a close I found myself over in the Irish Fiction section. Two youths had wandered over and were loudly voicing their disdain for books as they looked for one.

Garfield: “Ugh! Books! Waste of time! Your one at the desk said it wasn’t non-fiction.”

Odi: “Yeah, I heard her.”

Garfield: “What’s the difference between non-fiction and fiction?”

Odi: “Non-fiction means it’s real and fiction means it’s not real.”

Odi continues his search.

Garfield: “I thought fiction was real.”

I felt like I had to chime in

Me: “Fiction is as real as your imagination allows it to be.”

Garfield turns to me–“Whatever man!”

Odi exhales deeply out of his mouth- “Ah, to hell with this! Let’s just go.”

It’s sad to see some young folk who are unaware of what fiction is and have no appreciation for books…A part of me died today. # BaldManProblems

You make no sense

The customers were slowly ebbing out of the shop. Those that remained were wandering aimlessly and had a look that said: please don’t close the shop, I’ve nowhere else to go.
As I was gazing at these lost souls an elderly gentleman in a paddy cap came up to me at the till.

Patrick: “I’d like to buy these please.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

I start scanning through his items.

Patrick: “What time do you close at?”

Me:”Nine tonight.”

Patrick: “What time is it now?”

Me: “It’s twenty past eight.”

He tilts his head to the left and looks up at me-“ten past fruity?”

Me: “Ha! No, twenty past eight.”

Patrick: “Oh! Sometimes I forget the days of the week. ”

Me: “Well it’s Thursday today.”

Patrick: “I know what day it is!”

He takes his leave but not before he shoots me daggers.

Jaysus, he changed his upbeat tune quite quickly at the mention of Thursday. Just when I thought I had the elderly figured out. # BaldManProblems

You really are a big fool

I’m sitting in the library and I come across a linguistic term that I want to find the meaning of. I say to myself “Ah, feck! My linguistic dictionary is at home so I’ll have wait until I get home to find out.”

This bothers me for quite a bit until Realisation comes along and slaps me across the back of my head and yells in my ear: “YOU’RE IN THE LIBRARY! YOU HAVE YOUR LAPTOP. Get off your hairy, skinny arse and go look for a dictionary or use the internet to search for the definition!”

Leaving me red-faced, Realisation storms off causing everyone to stare at him as he goes. This hasn’t been my proudest moment. # BaldManProblems

Just when you thought it was safe to go into the bathroom again

As I gaze into the mirror before I shave off the nights roughage I’m reminded of an incident that happened two weeks ago as I was grooming my dome.

I was going through the fluid motions of removing the unwanted hair that was growing around my bald patch when my razor blade approached my forehead. As it was about to reach its destination my attention wavered and my blade missed its stop and carried on to take a chunk out of my left eyebrow.

I was brought back to reality by this mishap.
I gazed at my eyebrow’s. It looked like one caterpillar chasing a smaller caterpillar. Not wanting the right caterpillar to have an advantage I set about trimming it down to a similar size and was happy with the results, even if it did look at bit odd.

My eyebrows are starting to blossom again and are now returning to their hairy glory.

This was a traumatic experience and I recommend that you have a veteran groomer with you at all times for whenever you shave any area above or below the waistline.

I think I might have to attach a fringe to avoid the eyebrow area. # BaldManProblems

What sort of man are you!?

As I stood behind the till an elderly couple approached me. Both seemed to be in good health and they were sure to have a few more seasons left in them.

Me: “Ah, hello there.”

I start to scan through their items.
The woman, who was wearing the tricolour hat, starts to chat to me.

Maura: “Have you been watching the parade? Any plans for later?”

Me: “Well I’ve been at the till since the shop opened, so no.”

Maura: “Sure you could watch the highlights later on the telly.”

Me: “Probably not. I’m not a fan of St. Patrick’s Day.”

Her face contorts and she glares at me.

Maura: “And you call yourself Irish what’s wrong with you?”

Me: “I call myself many things, Irish included. I just don’t believe in joining the masses in parading about in the stereotypical fashion that the
world has of us.”

The husband nods in agreement.

Maura: “Bah! What do you know!? Come on Jim.”

Jim: “Goodbye, Son.”

Me: “Take care.”

Well she certainly turned sour quite quickly. Was it something I said? # BaldManProblems